The dilemma of choice…

For the A type personality like mine, freedom is the driver of all things yet equally the source of being emotionally crippled…

While I HATE being told what to do, everything has to be my idea and I like things just so, I also struggle when it comes to decision making and not having a plan.

Presently I find myself paralyzed in my internal torment about routine. I crave structure, routine and rhythm yet I feel equally controlled by it. I rage with restlessness — my family and friends can testify to this! I am a BEAST on the weekend when I don’t have a plan! If I am not working I don’t quite know what to do with myself…

No amount of coffee, lunches or days out, scooter rides, movies or chats with friends can contain this restlessness. I just have to WORK! This restlessness has become agonizing of late, so much so that my family has asked me to take a Homoeopathic remedy for it. I am driven out of bed, working on my new book, sitting for hours with patients until this restlessness is diffused.

Super productive one might say but what about my days off! I pace the house, I clean, I nag, I cook and I clean, I try to plan but my decision making cripples me. I decided this morning after this latest meltdown that it’s not the restlessness that is agonizing it’s that I don’t know what to do with the lack of routine.

You see I just can’t sit around all day watching Netflix, I even struggle to sit in my pjs for hours. I have to get up, get in the shower, exercise and get onto the laptop and work. Is it about productivity or is it about the freedom I feel from being in a routine? Is it that in my routine I know what is expected, I know how to do it?

I am aware of what an oxymoron it sounds like, the freedom of routine but this freedom is actually there for me created BY me.

I have designed my life, my days, my practice, my parenting, my health around these things. I practice in 3 major time zones in my virtual clinic, I have done so for 11 years now.

This structure represents the ultimate in freedom, what I created for myself -working through service, living with passion, creating time for everything that is important…so perhaps it’s on the days that I try to break from this routine I feel like this purpose is lacking?

Sounds silly and simplistic to you I’m sure as you read this. However, the rubrics in the Material Medica that describes this best is

* anguish and restlessness driving out of one’s bed
* mental exertion ameliorates
* quick, rapid and perceptive thinking
* busy, active mind inclined to work … yes, I am in an Arsenicum state for sure! (For those who know and love Homoeopathy!)

Homoeopathy to the rescue once again, my meltdown is over with just 2 doses of Arsenicum 200. I feel it hit the tongue and I find my peace again. Seriously! Who needs alcohol! The relief is immediate and my family watches me with great amusement…

Now to laugh at myself and my dilemma — then it’s healthy right! We must be able to laugh at ourselves…

The dilemma for my next day off hangs in the balance — My plan, I’m going to stick to my routine this time and see if it makes any difference!

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